I receive questions from Formspring and answer them to the best of my ability. Here is an anonymous one:
did u have sex before u were married?
I’ve talked about this during discussions in youth meetings and in my blog posts about sex (find them at www.hccwhy.com/blog ). I spent a big portion of my life very far from God and did a lot of things that I regret very much. When I talk about the spiritual, physical, emotional and mental damage that can be done by having sex outside of God’s plan, I unfortunately speak from experience. There are many things in my past I wish I could go back and undo, and my failures in this area would be included in those. Even though I know God has forgiven me, the consequences of my past are something I have to live with. To be clear, the answer to your question is yes. (In case you are wondering, I have never been unfaithful to my wife though).
Here’s the amazing thing: These failures (along with many, many others) once were like a wall separating me from God. When I accepted God’s forgiveness, He knocked down those walls and came into my heart so that I could have a personal relationship with Him. He didn’t leave me with a big pile of debris and garbage from the remnants of those walls. Instead, He showed me how to use the consequences and remnants of my failures to build bridges to other people who are failing so that I can share my hope and His love with them and let them know that they no longer have to be trapped by the walls of their own failures.
This is where a lot of Christians seem to have a hard time. They accept God’s forgiveness, but then realize the consequences and damage from their past don’t just disappear. They end up looking around at all the debris in their life and get stuck in a pattern of regret and guilt and begin to feel like they can never overcome their past. Then they start trying to make themselves feel better by comparing themselves to others and judging people they think are worse than them. The problem with that is that a judgmental attitude is a destructive, downward spiral that only leads to more guilt and shame. When we follow God’s lead and begin to let Him transform our lives into something better–into the life filled with hope that He has planned for us, as He says in Jeremiah 29:11–then we will begin to grow into a wonderful relationship with Him and will be able to share our hope with other people who feel overwhelmed by their failures.
Sorry for giving such a long answer!
its not natural to be with only one person your whole. we date and experience things that help you find what you want in like. and hey what can it really hurt. you would be missing out greatly lol
I suppose that we would have to first define “natural”.
Even if we leave spiritual ideas out of it, things that are “natural” can be beneficial or harmful to us.
For instance, the desire to eat is natural and it benefits us when we eat things that good for our bodies. But if we just go around eating anything that we find, it can be harmful. Eating a salad might be great for our bodies; eating a rotting, bloating skunk we find by the side of the road would probably be harmful to us.
I’m not being sarcastic with you. I’m just pointing out that even when something is natural, both you and I still have to determine whether it is good for us or not.
Sexual desire is certainly natural! But that does not mean that engaging in sex indiscriminately is beneficial. I believe that sex outside of the right context is harmful to us. I talk about those reasons in the post above and in other posts on this site. But I don’t just say it’s harmful because that’s what I’m “supposed” to say! I say it is harmful because I have experienced the damage firsthand. I have also seen the damage it has done to other people. Aside from immediate problems like STDs and pregnancies, there are many long-term problems that result from sex outside of the right context. I’ve seen guys who view women only as sex objects because that’s all they’ve ever used them for. I’ve seen women whose self esteem is crushed because they’ve given themselves to so many guys thinking that sex was love only to discover that the guys didn’t feel that way and moved on when he got tired of them. I’ve known both men and women who will say or do just about anything to have sex just because they have the urge. I’ve seen marriages damaged by sex outside of the right context. I’ve seen the children of those marriages damaged too.
As a youth leader, I think it is important for me to talk to teens about things that could potentially hurt them. Sex in the wrong context is one of those things. In terms of both immediate and long-term damage, it is probably one of the most damaging things they could do to themselves.
My guess is that up to this point, you would more or less agree with me. The point where we probably disagree is in defining the “right” or “wrong” context for sex.
I agree that sex is natural. I even believe that the urge to have sex indiscriminately is natural.
But now for the spiritual part… As Christian, I believe that God intended sex for the context of marriage. I believe that because Christians are part of the Kingdom of God, he calls on us to be different. In Romans 12:1-2, Paul says, “And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
Most of the book of Romans is about the struggle to live the life that God intends for us rather than a life of following our natural urges wherever they lead us.